Sometimes I compose blog posts about things that I know that I’m not willing to post because the pain is too fresh or the issue is still unresolved. I find that I do my best and most honest writing when I’m in the midst of it, but I’m not willing to share it… at least not at the moment. And so my drafted posts tend to look more like journal entries but every now and again I go back and look at them and decide which ones are still too close to home and which ones are fit to be edited by my current, more emotionally stable, self. This is one such post…
The Anger Of A Broken Heart (aka, what makes me mad at me)
Sometimes things just don’t work out… it happens to everyone, and in a myriad of different ways. So in a way the feeling isn’t anything special or unique, but when you feel it yourself it always feels exceptional. You often feel as though no one has ever felt the way you’re feeling and yet you know that this is only because your heart has officially quit listening to any reason your head might be trying to transmit. I know the feeling, you likely have known the feeling, and most likely everyone who has lived more than a few years on this planet knows the feeling.
I don’t know why but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would get better at this as I got older… like somehow maturity would eventually make my heart impervious to pain. But lately I’ve been feeling just the opposite. It’s like a fall that wouldn’t have phased you when your were younger now, as an adult, leaves some serious marks and perhaps makes you take it easy for a while. Instead of your emotions getting more resilient, over time they seem to bruise more easily… or at least mine do.
But let me tell you what I AM better at now than I was when I was younger… I’m an absolute pro at hiding it. I’m a master at telling everyone exactly what I should be feeling. I’m a wizard at hiding any hurt I feel I should have been smart enough to avoid. And when people ask me if I’m OK I can jedi mind-trick them into believing that I am because after all, “these aren’t the emotions you are looking for” . I’m not sure if this is right or even remotely healthy but it’s how I am… and to be honest, my experience in letting others in on what’s going on in my personal life tends to complicate things more than it helps. Being the introvert that I am, I generally know what I need and don’t need any commentary on the situation… this is probably the same reason why I prefer to shop alone. But I digress…
What I really want to talk about is my own tendency, and perhaps one others can relate to, is the anger I feel towards myself when I somehow let my heart get broken. There are so many times where I come across sucky situations and everyone expects me to be devastated over it and yet I’m fine, and this is because I’m pretty good at reading people and I’m rarely taken by surprise. Yes, it sucks that so-and-so did such-and-such but I’m fine because I half expected him/her/them to do it. But what really will get me angry at myself is when I saw it coming and yet I chose to ignore it. No walls, no fortification, no wisdom… just me believing what I wanted to believe regardless of what I knew deep down. That’s what makes me mad at me.
It’s the times where I new that my best qualities weren’t on the list of things he was looking for… but I thought that would change. It’s the times where I opened up to that girl I previously deemed untrustworthy… and she let me down again.
And if you know me and feel that this is something you should know about please don’t worry too much about it because this is just how I am… especially in situations when there is nothing to be done but pick myself up and begin to heal. No condolences necessary because chances are you wont be reading this until I’ve sorted it all out. But even just typing all of this out today has cleared my head a bit and made me realize that I shouldn’t get mad at myself for living life and opening up to people because while the words of Simon & Garfunkel, “A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries” ring true… I don’t want to be a rock, and i don’t want to be an island either. I don’t believe that we were created to function like that and I’m going to avoid that eventuality by being real with myself in the present and hopefully you can do that for yourself as well.
So here’s to looking back and laughing at all of the hours I spent crying to Terrible Love and Sorrow by The National… because no matter how much I identify with the words “I don’t want to get over you” at the moment, the more rational part of my brain knows that that wont always be true. Cheers.